Struggle Within

Lea felt as if she was stabbed the moment she turned off the power of her computer. Five years. Yes, it had been five years when she started working in this company. And now, it is time to leave. She looked sadly at her work station. Her own little world for her nine to five job. It used to be filled with her own trinkets, with documents she needs to finish before the deadline. She already cleared her desk. Now it is empty with only a flat screen monitor atop it. She sighed with her nostalgia. The office that she will soon have will be a corner office. Where sunlight will bathe her, wherein she will have a larger mahogany table and more sophisticated high-back swivel chair. It is time to move on to a bigger and better world. “So you are really leaving,” a voice called her from behind. She almost jumped with surprise but her heart did that against her rib cage. “Why?” she faced him without any trace of emotion that swirled on her chest. “Will you stop me?” she asked point blank. She found herself wishing that could be true. “Nah, a bigger salary and a higher position in a multi-national company?” he said and gave her the smile that always make her knees weak. “No, way will I stop you.” She wondered if there was even a slight envy when he said that. After all, they started working together in the same year. But she climbed up in the ranks of the corporate ladder as he just remained below looking up to her. Lea sometimes convinces herself to believe that this man was secretly insecure with her being more successful than him. And that is the reason why he never felt the same way as she does for him. She hold on the handle of her bag tighter than needed. She needs the pressure to prevent her mind from wondering such mean and useless thoughts. “You did not attend my Farewell party a while ago,” she said instead. “Oh, I met up with Kara,” he said and the sudden affection on his voice twisted a knife on her stomach. “Then I came here in the office to say goodbye.” She nodded, but she really wants to slap her bag across his face. Even for the last time, he mentioned the name of his girlfriend. “Thank you, Dave,” is all she can say. “I have to go,” it was an imperative to herself before she will be tempted to throw herself at him and hug him tightly and never let go. She got passed him and almost run away before her tear betrays her. “I will miss you, Lea,” she heard him say that made her stop on her feet. “Thank you for being an amazing friend.” “My new office is just a block away,” she wonders if he sensed the desperation on her tone, but her knows that Dave had been always dense about her feeling for him. “See you,” and continued to make her way out in the office. She pressed the down button of the elevator. She can see the numbers going up to the level where she is. She wants it to be slow motion. Maybe, just maybe, Dave will follow her. The elevator arrived but there was even no footstep that echoed the lobby. Her feet felt like it was heavily chained as she entered it. As its’ door closed, she also did to her eyes and let go of her tears swelling up. As the elevator lowered her down in the building, she remembered everything about Dave on the half a decade they had been together. The everyday chit-chat in the office, clocking extra time at work and the countless night out and weekend getaways with their other office friends. How she wish memories can easily brushed off as her tears of her cheeks. The elevator finally stopped on the ground floor, she took a deep breath and gathered her strength to see the light again. Lea wants to leave all her hurts on the confinement of the elevator. She put on her game face that couldn’t care less about Dave. She will soon have her own corner office after all. She felt braver as she step out to the world oblivious to the turmoil inside her.